If Someone You Love Is Having a Hard Time, Listen to This
Dr. Lisa DeMoor discusses how to support people struggling emotionally by understanding that distress is evidence of mental health, not pathology. She provides frameworks for recognizing when emotions become problematic (when they interfere with functioning or lead to costly coping mechanisms), and offers specific communication strategies for helping without escalating conflict.
Summary
Mel Robbins interviews clinical psychologist Dr. Lisa DeMoor about supporting loved ones through difficult times. DeMoor reframes mental health, explaining that psychologists assess it by two criteria: whether feelings fit the circumstances and whether they're managed well. Distressing emotions like sadness after rejection or anxiety before a test are evidence of healthy mental functioning, not problems to eliminate. The concern arises when emotions interfere with daily functioning or when people cope through costly mechanisms like substance abuse, self-harm, or excessive avoidance.
DeMoor emphasizes that people engage in self-destructive behaviors because those behaviors work for them in some way—they provide relief or escape. Helpers must recognize this rationale before attempting intervention, shifting from conflict ("you need to stop") to collaboration ("you're smart; this must be serving a purpose; let's find another way"). She demonstrates this with a role-play about discovering a teenager using marijuana, showing how phrases like "what you're doing isn't working" and appealing to the part of the person that wants to be healthier are more effective than accusation or demands.
DeMoor discusses gender differences in emotional coping: girls tend to discuss distressing situations with peers, which can devolve into rumination that worsens mood, while boys tend to distract themselves, which can lead to emotional avoidance and decreased ability to verbalize feelings. Both extremes are problematic; healthy management involves some combination of processing and distraction.
She addresses externalization—the normal adolescent defense of emotionally dumping on trusted adults, who then carry that distress while the teenager moves on unburdened. Parents should recognize this as typical development rather than take on the emotional weight.
On serious concerns, DeMoor stresses that suicidal ideation is not rare in teenagers and that asking directly about it—explaining why you're asking—helps rather than harms, as research shows struggling people are relieved when asked. She outlines red flags for eating disorders (weight loss in teenagers is unusual, dropping entire food categories), noting that social media algorithms amplify appearance-focused content, contributing to disordered eating.
Regarding anxiety, DeMoor emphasizes that avoidance reinforces anxiety—when people avoid feared situations, they get immediate relief, which teaches them that avoidance works, entrenching the anxiety. Exposure (gradually facing fears) is the evidence-based antidote. Parents who allow children to escape anxiety-inducing situations lock in avoidance as a coping strategy.
Finally, DeMoor argues that the foundation for adolescent mental health is strong relationships with caring adults who remain steady, empathetic presences during emotional storms. When adults match teenagers' distress level, they inadvertently amplify it; instead, calm empathy ("that stinks, I'm sorry") provides regulation and reassurance.
About this episode
Learn how to truly help someone you love. When someone you care about is going through a difficult time, you can make a meaningful difference with a few simple words. Today, clinical psychologist and three-time New York Times bestselling author Dr. Lisa Damour teaches you how to offer the right kind of support for your kid, partner, or friend without panicking, taking control, or trying to fix everything. You’ll learn 3 questions that help you understand whether someone needs to vent, needs more support, or may need professional help. Dr. Damour also explains why painful emotions are not always a sign that something is wrong, how to recognize when coping has become harmful, and why giving advice before understanding what someone needs can backfire. This episode is one of Mel’s favorite conversations on The Mel Robbins Podcast, and she’s bringing it back with a brand new introduction and new insights for right now. In it, Mel gets personal about supporting her husband through depression, parenting teenagers through intense emotions, and the mistakes she made when she tried to solve every problem. In this episode, you’ll learn: -The exact words to use when someone shuts down or pushes you away -Why the advice you give can make someone feel worse -How to respond when someone is drinking, using substances, self-harming, or avoiding life -How to listen so the person feels supported -The simple question to ask when someone is venting -How to stay calm when someone you love is overwhelmed -The 3 questions to ask when someone you love is struggling -How to tell the difference between normal stress and a serious mental health concern -The two warning signs that someone may need professional support -When and how to ask directly about suicide or self-harm -How to suggest therapy without making someone feel broken By the time you finish listening, you’ll know what to say, what not to say, and how to show up for someone you love. For more resources related to today’s episode, click here for the podcast episode page. If you liked the episode, check out this one next: How to Motivate Yourself (and Others) to Change Any Behavior Mel also wants to tell you: Try the 23g protein shot I drink every single morning Join 2 million readers loving my weekly newsletter - full of tips, tools, and inspiration The Let Them Theory: read the book everyone’s talking about Watch the episodes on YouTube Connect with me on Instagram Follow the show’s Instagram for clips, behind the scenes, and more Find some daily positivity on my TikTok Want zero ads? Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes ad-free Disclaimer
Key Insights
- Psychologists assess mental health not by the absence of negative feelings but by whether feelings match circumstances and are managed constructively.
- Sadness after rejection, anxiety before important events, and anger when treated poorly are indicators of normal, healthy psychological functioning.
- People only engage in self-destructive behaviors like substance abuse or self-harm because those behaviors provide relief or escape—they work for that person.
- Helpers must recognize the functional purpose of self-destructive behavior before attempting intervention, or they will trigger defensiveness and conflict.
- The phrase 'what you're doing isn't working' helps reframe the problem as external rather than as a moral failing, inviting problem-solving rather than defensiveness.
- Appealing to 'the part of them that wants help' or 'wants to be healthier' creates an internal conflict favoring healthier behavior rather than a conflict between the helper and the struggling person.
- Girls' tendency to discuss distress with peers can escalate into rumination, where repeated processing worsens rather than improves mood.
- Boys' tendency to distract from distress protects them from rumination but can prevent emotional skill development and leave them isolated in their pain.
- Suicidal ideation in teenagers is relatively common, and asking directly about it provides relief rather than harm—struggling people are grateful when asked.
- Avoidance of anxiety-inducing situations provides immediate relief, which reinforces avoidance as a coping strategy, entrenching anxiety rather than resolving it.
- Weight loss in teenagers is statistically unusual and warrants attention; dropping entire food categories (even if socially framed as dietary preference) often signals disordered eating.
- The single most powerful protective factor for adolescent mental health is strong relationships with caring adults who remain emotionally steady and empathetic during teenagers' emotional turbulence.
Topics
Transcript
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. One of the hardest things in life is to watch somebody that you care about going through a really hard time. And I don't know about you, but in those moments, I step in and I attempt to help and make things better. And then of course, what happens? My attempt to help just makes things worse. You want to help your kid, but they just barricade themselves in their room. Your partner's depressed. Your friend is drinking too much. You're worried. You ask questions because you're anxious about it. You give advice because you can see how this might turn into some disaster. I used to do…
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