The Ultimate Guide to Divorce (For You & The People You Love)
Divorce attorney James Sexton provides a comprehensive guide to divorce covering six stages from pre-contemplation through post-divorce recovery, emphasizing that while pain in divorce is inevitable, damage is optional and controllable. He advocates for treating divorce as a logistics problem rather than an emotional battleground, and stresses the importance of clear communication, proper legal counsel, and intentional post-divorce healing.
Summary
In this episode of the Mel Robbins Podcast, renowned divorce attorney James Sexton outlines a complete framework for understanding and navigating divorce across six distinct stages. He begins by establishing five categories where divorce is necessary: situations involving abuse, false self (one partner pretending to be someone they're not), stolen reality (discovering hidden truths like infidelity or financial fraud), unrepentant repeat behaviors, and shrinking marriages that force people to become less authentic. Sexton emphasizes that leaving a broken marriage is not a failure of love but rather defending love.
The six stages are: (1) Pre-contemplative—feeling unhappy without connecting it to the marriage, characterized by flatness rather than active conflict; (2) Contemplative—when the word 'divorce' enters your mind, described as a private 3 a.m. trial with no defense counsel present; (3) Decision—determining this marriage must end, shifting focus to timing and logistics; (4) Taking steps—actually hiring lawyers and telling people; (5) In it—the thick of the divorce process; and (6) Just got out—when papers are signed and healing can finally begin.
For the pre-contemplative stage, Sexton advises having honest conversations about the marriage's current state, examining why routines exist, and assessing whether the relationship is by default or by design. He argues the conversation is cheapest now and will only become more expensive (emotionally and financially) if avoided.
During the contemplative stage, Sexton recommends consulting: a challenging therapist (not one you 'love' to see), one trustworthy friend with no skin in the game, a lawyer (for information, not necessarily to hire immediately), and potentially your spouse. He strongly warns against confiding in social media, group chats, or children at any age.
When deciding to divorce (stage three), Sexton provides specific guidance: be certain, deliver the message in the first 10 seconds without preamble using clear language like 'I have given this a lot of thought and our marriage needs to end,' own your part first, apologize for your contribution, stop talking to avoid inviting rebuttal, and develop a 48-hour plan including securing financial documents, ensuring children are away from the initial conflict, and creating physical space.
For stage four (taking steps), Sexton emphasizes writing down divorce goals beyond emotional states—specifically addressing where you'll live, what resources you need, where children will attend school, time-sharing schedules, and realistic economic needs versus wants versus entitlements. He warns against spending excessive legal fees arguing over small amounts and advises hiring a skilled litigator capable of courtroom strength, paradoxically making settlement more likely.
During stage five (in the thick of it), the biggest mistakes are seeking vindication or closure from the legal system (which only produces outcomes, not feelings) and judging the entire marriage by worst moments. Sexton stresses treating divorce as logistics and architecture of post-divorce life, not the final referendum on the marriage.
For post-divorce healing (stage six), Sexton advocates for attending to grief rather than ignoring it, using structure to manage feelings, reclaiming activities given up during marriage, volunteering and being of service, making an appointment with grief rather than letting it consume days randomly, and crucially, getting therapy before dating apps. He discusses the Wikipedia page concept—divorce is a punctuation mark in life's story, not the entire narrative.
Sexton addresses co-parenting and social network preservation by recommending both parties issue a joint statement (even on social media) clarifying there are no 'sides' and asking friends to respect both parties. He emphasizes that the more you invite people into divorce discourse and worst moments, the more they feel obligated to pick sides.
About this episode
You wouldn't believe the amount of times Mel has asked to do an episode on divorce And finally….here it is: The ULTIMATE guide on how to handle divorce - for you and the people you love. Whether you’ve been through a divorce, are thinking about one, are going through one now, have a loved one you need to support, or are the child of divorced parents, this episode is a resource. World renowned divorce lawyer James Sexton is back to break down divorce from every imaginable angle, and give takeaways that you can implement today regardless of where you are in what he calls divorce’s “six stages”. James will tell you the five situations where he believes divorce may be necessary, how to tell your spouse the marriage is over, and the 48 hour plan you should have in place before you do. You’ll also learn how to protect yourself financially, how to choose the right attorney, and how to stop the need for “revenge” from costing you money. James also addresses “staying together for the kids,” explains how a divorce ends a marriage and not a family, and why your decision on whether to have a divorce or not affects your kids even more than you know. You’ll learn: -The 6 stages of divorce and what to do during each one -Who you should — and should not — talk to when you’re considering divorce -What financial documents and information you need to protect yourself -The biggest mistake people make once they’re in the middle of a divorce -Why trying to “win” your divorce can destroy your future -How to set goals for your post-divorce life before emotions take over -Why you should get a therapist before you get a dating app -How to rebuild your identity and your life after divorce -The best way to support someone you love who is going through a divorce James says “The grief isn't evidence that the marriage failed, it means it mattered.” If you are dealing with divorce yourself, this episode will help you understand where you are and what may be next. If someone you love is going through a divorce, you will learn how to show up in a way that is meaningful. Either way, the more informed you are, the better you can navigate it. For more resources related to today’s episode, click here for the podcast episode page. If you liked the episode, you’ll love hearing James Sexon’s first appearance on The Mel Robbins Podcast: The Most Eye-Opening Conversation on Marriage & Love You Will Ever Hear (From #1 Divorce Lawyer) Connect with Mel: Order Mel’s product, Pure Genius Protein Get Mel’s newsletter, packed with tools, coaching, and inspiration. Get Mel’s #1 bestselling book, The Let Them Theory Watch the episodes on YouTube Follow Mel on Instagram The Mel Robbins Podcast Instagram Mel's TikTok Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes ad-free Disclaimer
Key Insights
- Sexton defines two types of marriage problems: broken marriages versus unattended marriages, which require different skill sets to address
- He argues that staying in an unhappy marriage 'for the kids' doesn't protect children but rather models what marriage should look like, and children will remember the marriage dynamic more than whether divorce occurred
- The pain of divorce is inevitable, but damage is optional and largely controllable through deliberate choices during the process
- Sexton contends that the legal system produces outcomes (property division, schedules), not feelings, so seeking vindication or closure through divorce proceedings will disappoint people
- He distinguishes between blindness (genuinely not seeing problems) and willful blindness (intentionally not looking because you know what you'd find), arguing willful blindness is more common in marriages
- Sexton maintains that hiring a skilled, capable litigator actually reduces the likelihood of litigation because opposing experienced litigators recognize likely outcomes and settle accordingly
- He argues that the biggest mistake people make post-divorce is jumping into new romantic relationships before doing grief work and therapy, creating unstable foundations for future relationships
- Sexton identifies that conversations you avoid in the pre-contemplative stage become exponentially more expensive (emotionally and financially) if deferred until divorce proceedings
- He claims that when telling a spouse about divorce, giving reasons invites rebuttal and debate, whereas stating the decision without reasons closes discussion
- Sexton proposes that friends and family often feel obligated to pick sides in divorce because the couple hasn't clearly stated there are no sides, suggesting joint public statements can prevent social network fracturing
- He argues that grief over a failed marriage is evidence that love mattered and was real, not evidence that love failed
- Sexton contends that divorce is an architecture problem—designing post-divorce life logistics—not a final argument about who was right or wrong in the marriage
Topics
Transcript
Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. I am so glad that you are here with me right now because this conversation is a conversation that I've been wanting to have ever since I started this podcast four years ago. This episode is the ultimate guide to divorce for you and the people that you love. And we are creating it with the world's number one divorce attorney, James Sexton. I am so excited that he is here in our Boston studios because he is going to break down what he calls the six stages of divorce. He's going to walk you through every stage, what to do, what not to do. And he's also…
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