Janelle Monáe: We Should Thank Our Exes (FBF)
Janelle Monáe discusses her new album 'The Age of Pleasure' as a lifestyle soundtrack created with friends, sharing how healing from childhood trauma related to her father's addiction shaped her journey toward self-love, authenticity, and embracing her sexuality, polyamory, and non-binary identity.
Summary
Alex Cooper interviews Janelle Monáe about her recent vacation to Ibiza and Jamaica, then transitions into deeper conversations about her creative process and personal growth. Monáe explains that 'The Age of Pleasure' is not just an album but a lifestyle soundtrack created intentionally for her friend group. She describes how she would anonymously play new songs at parties hosted by her friend collective 'Everyday People,' only including tracks that made people dance and get shared via Shazam, ensuring authentic audience reception without the bias of knowing the artist.
Monáe opens up about her healing journey, revealing that she struggled with rejection and abandonment trauma stemming from her father's battle with addiction and incarceration during her childhood. She explains how this trauma manifested in her romantic relationships through trust issues and intense reactions to breakups. Through therapy and work with an emotional support coach, she came to understand that her father's absence wasn't about her worth but about his own struggles. This realization allowed her to forgive him, repair their relationship, and ultimately thank the exes who forced her to confront these deep-rooted issues.
The conversation shifts to Monáe's approach to privacy in romantic relationships, explaining that she keeps her dating life private to protect her partners from unwanted scrutiny. She discusses her evolution as a partner, noting that she was previously guarded about showing love due to fear of abandonment, but has since become more open and communicative. She reveals experience with polyamorous relationships and explains how she remains open to different forms of love while emphasizing the importance of honest communication.
Monáe addresses her journey of coming out regarding her sexuality and attraction to multiple genders, preferring the term 'coming in' rather than 'coming out' as it reflects inviting others into her world rather than apologizing for existing. She discusses how her conservative Baptist upbringing led her to suppress her sexuality and sensuality until she built community support through her art and music. She emphasizes that pleasure—both sexual and otherwise—requires feeling safe, and discusses reclaiming her body and sexuality after years of shame-based messaging.
The interview concludes with discussion of the album's themes, tour plans, and collaborators, including features from Grace Jones, Sister Nancy, Fela Kuti, and others. Monáe expresses gratitude for the opportunity to connect authentically with listeners and emphasizes her commitment to helping others feel seen and safe in their own identities.
About this episode
Janelle Monáe joins Call Her Daddy to discuss her personal evolution and the work required to reach her own age of pleasure. Addressing past rejection and trauma from her father's instability, she opens up about how these struggles impacted her personal relationships and how she found herself closed off to love. Janelle and Alex reflect on lessons learned from failed relationships and share why we should actually be going back and thanking our exes. Janelle speaks about her experience being in polyamorous relationships and her choice to openly talk about her sexuality despite coming from a religious family. Janelle and Alex discuss what it means if a partner refuses to post you on social media and debate whether this is actually a red flag. Janelle speaks about the inspiration for her new album, The Age of Pleasure, and what this phase of life means to her. For the game mentioned in the episode look for: Real Talk: 110 Relationship Questions You Should Only Ask Your Friends by Amil Barnes.
Key Insights
- Monáe created 'The Age of Pleasure' by secretly testing songs at friend parties, including only tracks that genuinely made people dance and got Shazamed, ensuring authentic creative validation independent of her celebrity status.
- Monáe identifies rejection and abandonment trauma rooted in her father's addiction and incarceration as foundational issues that affected her romantic relationships through intense reactions to breakups and trust issues.
- After therapy, Monáe called an ex-partner to thank them for forcing her to confront her abandonment trauma, which her emotional support coach predicted she would do once she understood the gift their separation provided.
- Monáe argues that two things can be true simultaneously—her father's absence caused her pain AND he was struggling with addiction and not intentionally trying to hurt her—a nuanced understanding that enabled forgiveness.
- Monáe deliberately keeps her romantic relationships private to protect her partners from paparazzi and public scrutiny, a choice she frames as an act of care rather than secrecy.
- Monáe has experienced polyamorous relationships and remains open to multiple forms of intimate partnerships, believing love can exist in different configurations just as one can have multiple best friends.
- Monáe prefers the term 'coming in' over 'coming out,' framing her disclosure of sexuality as inviting people into her sacred world rather than apologizing for her existence.
- Monáe suppressed her attraction to women and non-binary individuals throughout her childhood and early career due to her conservative Baptist upbringing, gradually becoming braver as she built supportive community through her art.
- Monáe argues that pleasure—both sexual and otherwise—cannot exist without feeling safe, and that her journey toward pleasure required first addressing safety concerns rooted in childhood abandonment.
- Monáe believes societal shame around female sexuality and self-pleasure has caused many women to struggle with understanding their own bodies and sexual preferences, leading them to seek validation through relationships.
- Monáe contends that one's internal sense of self-worth must be more powerful than others' opinions, and that giving people power over her through their judgments undermines her ability to live authentically.
- Monáe advocates for therapy access as a fundamental right, expressing frustration that mental health support is not universally available and believing community-wide access would significantly improve collective wellbeing.
Topics
Transcript
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