Life advice for young people - Lessons learned from failing | Jeff Kaplan and Lex Fridman
Jeff Kaplan discusses the importance of knowing when to quit pursuits that aren't working, using his experience as a failed writer as an example. He and Lex Fridman explore how societal pressure on young people to have their futures figured out is counterproductive, and argue that focusing on what you want to do rather than what you want to be is the path to finding authentic fulfillment.
Summary
In this conversation, Jeff Kaplan opens by sharing how literary magazine editors told him to give up his writing career, a moment that forced him to confront whether writing was truly his calling. Lex Fridman notes that closing doors is necessary for new ones to open, though walking away is inherently difficult. Kaplan acknowledges the cultural conditioning against quitting—parents, coaches, and mentors teach persistence—but emphasizes that sometimes in your mid-20s you must face the painful reality that a particular path may not be your calling, especially when you don't yet know what comes next. Fridman highlights the psychological toll of this situation: the investment of identity, dreams, and self-conception, combined with isolation and suffering, requires a decisive break to move forward. Both speakers then critique how adults pressure young people through seemingly innocent questions like "What's your major?" or "What do you want to be?" They argue this creates unnecessary burden on people who are naturally lost and searching during their teens and 20s. Kaplan reframes this as a hero's journey of discovery that most adults have abandoned in favor of comfort and established routines. Fridman offers the core advice: focus on what you want to do, not what you want to be. He explains that society's pressure centers on role identity (astronaut, firefighter, writer, game maker), which leads people to perform a false version of themselves. Instead, he suggests looking at what genuinely makes you happy and brings fulfillment when no one is watching or asking—what you do in private moments away from external pressure.
Key Insights
- Kaplan argues that editors at literary magazines collectively told him to give up writing, and he accepted this as a sign that he wasn't cut out for it, marking a pivotal moment where he stopped pursuing that path
- Kaplan claims that cultural training from parents, coaches, and mentors instills a 'never give up' mentality, but this can conflict with the mid-20s reality of recognizing that a pursued path may not be one's true calling
- Kaplan argues that asking young people 'What's your major?' or 'What do you want to be?' is harmful because it exerts pressure on people who are naturally lost and searching, and adults with established lives often forget the suffering and uncertainty of youth
- Fridman asserts that the core problem is societal pressure to have your future figured out, and this pressure is 'insane' because most people are lost throughout their lives, not just in their 20s
- Fridman contends that focusing on identity-based 'what you want to be' leads people to perform false versions of themselves, whereas discovering what genuinely makes you happy when no one is watching reveals your authentic path
Topics
Transcript
[0:02] universe... Actually, maybe not the universe. A group of editors at literary magazines across the United States was telling me it was time to give up as a writer, like I wasn't cut out for it. And I stopped. - Sometimes, you know, closing a door is required for another door to open. That's one of the hardest things to do, is to walk away. - Yeah. And I think, rightly so, our parents, our coaches, our mentors train us not to give up. [0:36] And I think a lot of us take pride in that, "I'm never gonna give up. I'm gonna do this come hell or high water." And sometimes there's that reality, especially when you're now…
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