The Best Advice You’ll Ever Get On Having Kids (Replay)
Tom and Lisa Bilyeu discuss their deliberate decision not to have children, detailing the specific conversations, concerns, and realizations that led them to conclude that parenthood wasn't aligned with their life goals and values. They emphasize that their choice involved thorough analysis of what parenthood would actually entail rather than a dismissive or flippant decision.
Summary
Tom and Lisa Bilyeu respond to a listener's question about deciding whether to have children by sharing their personal journey and reasoning. Lisa explains that she was raised in Greek culture expecting to have children after marriage, but when Tom responded with "maybe" on their first date, it was the first time she considered parenthood as optional rather than inevitable. Over their marriage, they continuously postponed the decision, with Lisa initially wanting to start having children but Tom focusing on building his entrepreneurial ventures first. As Lisa became increasingly involved in business through Quest and Impact Theory, she discovered fulfillment in entrepreneurship that rivaled her previous desire for motherhood.
The couple conducted a detailed analysis of what daily life would look like with children, mapping out specific responsibilities and arrangements. Tom stated he wouldn't be a stay-at-home dad and wouldn't wake up at night with infants, establishing that Lisa would be the primary caregiver. They discussed how this arrangement would create several relationship stresses: Lisa would become exhausted from nighttime duties and daytime childcare, Tom would be positioned as the "hero" due to limited availability, Lisa's friendships and identity might be compromised by constant caregiving, and their marriage would necessarily deprioritize their relationship to focus on children.
Lisa articulated that she doesn't enjoy being divided or distracted, and the anxiety of juggling business ambitions with primary caregiving responsibilities would create misery for her. Tom emphasized that he wanted to be fully present as a father if they had children, not resentful of time spent away from work. They realized that having children would require full commitment to parenthood, and Tom described advice he received: "Have kids, don't have kids. It doesn't matter. But whatever you do, do it all the way." This meant he couldn't simultaneously pursue his ambitious professional goals and be the kind of father he wanted to be.
Lisa addressed the emotional concern of "what if something happens to you?" noting that if Tom died while she was in her 40s, she would be alone without children as a legacy or connection to him. However, she recognized this reasoning for having children would be unhealthy, potentially leading her to use children as a replacement for her spouse rather than raising them as independent individuals. Tom responded that he wanted Lisa to find happiness with someone else if he passed, meaning children wouldn't be a replacement for their relationship.
Recently, Lisa discovered through medical testing that she has difficulty conceiving, which she anticipated might trigger unexpected regret—but it didn't. This validated her conviction that she genuinely doesn't want children, as opposed to simply postponing an inevitable decision. She also discussed the social judgment she faced as a woman choosing not to have children, including being called selfish and concerns about being perceived as not nurturing. She's since become confident asserting that not bearing children doesn't make her less nurturing or less of a woman.
Tom reflected on his concerns about aging without children and the lack of renewal energy that comes with younger generations in the family. However, he found renewal through mentoring young employees at their companies, which provides similar fulfillment. He concluded that his primary focus at 75 would be maintaining health to continue pursuing ambitious goals rather than relying on daily interaction with adult children, noting that successful parents typically see their children infrequently once they establish their own lives.
About this episode
<p>[Original Air Date: Sept 21, 2018]. In this week’s episode of Relationship Theory, Tom and Lisa share how and why they decided to not have kids. </p><p><br /></p><p>FOLLOW TOM BILYEU:</p><p>INSTAGRAM: <a href="http://bit.ly/2j7vqX8" target="_blank">http://bit.ly/2j7vqX8</a></p><p>FACEBOOK: <a href="http://bit.ly/2hPStWo" target="_blank">http://bit.ly/2hPStWo</a></p><p>TWITTER: <a href="http://bit.ly/2iyjY5P" target="_blank">http://bit.ly/2iyjY5P</a> </p><p><br /></p><p>FOLLOW LISA BILYEU:</p><p>INSTAGRAM: <a href="http://bit.ly/2tMtCUX" target="_blank">http://bit.ly/2tMtCUX</a></p><p>FACEBOOK: <a href="http://bit.ly/2rTysON" target="_blank">http://bit.ly/2rTysON</a></p><p><br /></p><p>SPONSORS:</p><p><a href="mailto:[email protected]" target="_blank">[email protected]</a></p><p><br /></p><p><strong><em>***Are You Ready for EXTRA Impact?***</em></strong></p><p>If you’re ready to find true fulfillment, strengthen your focus, and ignite your true potential, the Impact Theory subscription was created just for you.</p><p>Want to transform your health, sharpen your mindset, improve your relationship, or conquer the business world? This is your epicenter of greatness. </p><p>This is not for the faint of heart. This is for those who dare to learn obsessively, every day, day after day.</p><p><strong>* New episodes delivered ad-free</strong></p><p>* Unlock the gates to a treasure trove of wisdom from inspiring guests like Andrew Huberman, Mel Robbins, Hal Elrod, Matthew McConaughey, and many, many, more</p><p>* Exclusive access to Tom’s AMAs, keynote speeches, and suggestions from his personal reading list</p><p>* You’ll also get access to an<strong> <em>5 additional podcasts</em> </strong>with hundreds of archived Impact Theory episodes, meticulously curated into themed playlists covering health, mindset, business, relationships, and more:</p><p>*<a href="https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/legendary-mindset/id1683397827?itsct=podcast_box&itscg=30200&ls=1&at=1000l3anZ" target="_blank"><strong>Legendary Mindset</strong></a><strong>:</strong> Mindset & Self-Improvement</p><p>*<a href="https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/money-mindset/id1683397173?itsct=podcast_box&itscg=30200&ls=1&at=1000l3anZ" target="_blank"><strong>Money Mindset</strong></a><strong>: </strong>Business & Finance</p><p>*<a href="https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/relationship-theory/id1683229040?itsct=podcast_box&itscg=30200&ls=1&at=1000l3anZ" target="_blank"><strong>Relationship Theory:</strong></a> Relationships</p><p>*<a href="https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/health-theory/id1683215287?itsct=podcast_box&itscg=30200&ls=1&at=1000l3anZ" target="_blank"><strong>Health Theory</strong></a><strong>: </strong>Mental & Physical Health</p><p>*<a href="https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/power-ups/id1683398038?itsct=podcast_box&itscg=30200&ls=1&at=1000l3anZ" target="_blank"><strong>Power Ups:</strong></a> Weekly Doses of Short Motivational Quotes </p><p><br /></p><p><strong>*****Subscribe on Apple Podcasts: </strong><a href="https://apple.co/3PCvJaz" target="_blank">https://apple.co/3PCvJaz</a>*****</p><p><br /></p><p><strong>Subscribe on all other platforms</strong> (Google Podcasts, Spotify, Castro, Downcast, Overcast, Pocket Casts, Podcast Addict, Podcast Republic, Podkicker, and more) : <a href="https://impacttheorynetwork.supercast.com/" target="_blank">https://impacttheorynetwork.supercast.com/</a></p><p> </p><p>Learn more about your ad choices. Visit <a href="https://megaphone.fm/adchoices" target="_blank">megaphone.fm/adchoices</a></p><p>See Privacy Policy at <a href="https://art19.com/privacy" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://art19.com/privacy</a> and California Privacy Notice at <a href="https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info</a>.</p>
Key Insights
- Lisa grew up in Greek culture with an unquestioned expectation that marriage automatically leads to children, and Tom's initial 'maybe' response on their first date was the first moment she realized parenthood was a choice rather than an inevitability.
- The Bilyeus identified a structural problem in their potential parenting arrangement: Lisa as primary caregiver would be exhausted and ever-present while Tom, working long hours, would be positioned as the exciting 'hero,' creating resentment and marital distance rather than connection.
- Tom determined he couldn't pursue his ambitious entrepreneurial goals while also being the kind of fully-present father he believed children deserve, recognizing that partial commitment to either role would breed resentment in both domains.
- Lisa articulated that her personality strongly dislikes divided focus and fragmented attention, and she recognized that attempting to balance primary caregiving with business ambitions would create the anxiety and misery she specifically tries to avoid in her life design.
- When Lisa received news that she has difficulty conceiving, she experienced no regret or fear of loss—a moment she had specifically anticipated might reveal hidden desires—which provided confirmation that her decision against parenthood was genuine rather than postponed.
- Tom acknowledged he will likely regret not having children around him at age 75, but determined this future regret isn't significant enough to justify paying the immediate life costs of having children while raising them.
- Lisa faced social judgment including being called selfish for not having children and experienced anxiety about being perceived as non-nurturing or less of a woman, concerns she has since resolved through confidence in her definition of nurturing and femininity.
- Tom found that mentoring young employees at their companies provides similar renewal and life-affirming energy he initially thought only grandparenthood could offer, suggesting alternative paths to the biological renewal cycle parents experience.
Topics
Transcript
Welcome to another episode of Relationship Theory. I'm your co-host Tom Bilyeu and I'm here with my lovely wife with her hair freshly did, Lisa Bilyeu. My baby. What's up, homie? What's going on? I'm ready to rock. You ready? Let's do this. I'm excited for today's episode. Yeah? Because it's something that I've actually really wanted to talk about. Oh, wow. So we went in and looked for a question that actually fits this theme. Let's hear it. All right. And I actually don't know what it is. You don't? This kind of sounds like a setup, but I really don't. It's not a setup. All right. So the question comes from Carolina Jacowitz. I'm sure I butchered that…
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