Is There A Difference Between Loving Someone and Being In Love? | Tom & Lisa Bilyeu (Replay)
Tom and Lisa Bilyeu discuss the difference between loving someone and being in love, examining real relationship questions from their audience. They explore how passion and love are distinct concepts, the importance of communication and emotional vulnerability, and how to maintain connection in long-term relationships.
Summary
The episode opens with Tom and Lisa addressing a core question: the difference between loving someone and being in love. Tom defines being in love as having intense passion—a physical and emotional fire that creates a throbbing heart response when seeing someone. Lisa initially interprets passion as intensity more broadly but acknowledges that love requires deep reciprocal connection. They debate whether passion is necessary for love, with Tom arguing it is essential, while Lisa suggests you can love someone without that intense spark.
They respond to Cody's deeply vulnerable question about whether he truly loves his girlfriend or is in love with her after two years. Cody proposed despite uncertainty about his feelings, and his fiancée returned the ring, asking him to take space to clarify what he wants. Tom's immediate reaction is that they should break up, describing being in a loveless marriage as his childhood nightmare. He emphasizes that love must be equally reciprocated and that intensity—what he calls passion—is crucial to a fulfilling relationship. Lisa adds more nuance, explaining that sometimes relationships experience "dust settling" where initial passion fades but can be rekindled through intentional effort, communication, and vulnerability.
Regarding a question about whether it's unhealthy to be in a relationship where both partners agree they're not currently in love but want to work toward falling in love, Tom distinguishes between true incompatibility and "dust settling." If a real spark existed initially, couples can rebuild connection through communication, shared vulnerability, and intentional bonding practices. He references the film "Unbreakable" as an example of partners consciously choosing to reconnect.
The couple discusses their own experience with disconnection during busy periods. Lisa shares how she experiences acute pain when they don't spend quality time together—she counts down days until their weekly date night. Tom, driven more by work fulfillment, has a higher threshold for disconnection but appreciates Lisa bringing them back into alignment. They discuss the importance of recognizing patterns early and communicating about them rather than letting resentment build.
A significant discussion centers on expectations in relationships. Lisa describes lowering her expectations in a past relationship and recognizes this as a dangerous pattern. Tom explains that turning positive actions into expectations removes the joy from them. Lisa exemplifies this with the story of Tom making tea for her—when it became an expectation rather than a thoughtful gesture, it lost its magic. When Tom pointed this out, Lisa recognized the danger of slipping into expectation-based thinking and adjusted her mindset. Tom praises her for this emotional intelligence, noting that many people react defensively rather than genuinely considering the feedback.
For a couple married 27 years, Tom and Lisa recommend establishing regular date nights with no distractions, preparing questions to ask each other to discover new things, recreating their first date, and intentionally exploring physical intimacy. Lisa suggests getting sexy lingerie and surprising partners. They discuss how neurochemical changes occur throughout life—women's brains change during pregnancy and child-rearing, men's testosterone declines—and understanding these changes helps partners reconnect at their current life stage rather than trying to recapture youth.
Regarding emotional maturity, Tom argues that having a business together has deepened their emotional development because it forces them to confront failures, develop resilience, and examine their inadequacies without emotional destruction. Working together serves as either a breaking point or a strengthening force—there's no middle ground.
Finally, they explain how Relationship Theory originated. Tom wanted to film a Valentine's Day episode with Lisa but was hesitant about cameras. Lisa set clear boundaries about authenticity—she wouldn't pretend for the camera. Tom assured her he'd be a "safety net" if she stumbled. The audience response to their raw vulnerability about relationship struggles inspired them to continue the series. Lisa notes that unlike past dismissals from family and friends ("that's just you and Tom"), their community genuinely wants to improve themselves and examine their role in relationship problems.
About this episode
<p>[Original air date: April 13, 2018]. Join Lisa and I as we discuss the differences between loving your partner and being in love with your partner.</p><p><br /></p><p>DISCUSSED IN THIS EPISODE</p><p>Unbreakable Movie: https://imdb.to/2EBtJHY</p><p>The Female Brain by Louann Brizendine: https://amzn.to/2EAf8fZ</p><p><br /></p><p>FOLLOW LISA:</p><p>Lisa’s Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lisabilyeu/</p><p>Women of Impact Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/womenofimpact/</p><p>Twitter: https://twitter.com/lisabilyeu</p><p>Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lisabilyeu</p><p>YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/womenofimpact</p><p>Tik Tok: https://www.tiktok.com/@lisa_bilyeu?lang=en</p><p><br /></p><p>FOLLOW TOM:</p><p>Tom’s Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tombilyeu/</p><p>Impact Theory Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/impacttheory/</p><p>Tik Tok: https://www.tiktok.com/@tombilyeu?lang=en</p><p>Tom’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/tombilyeu</p><p>Impact Theory Twitter: https://twitter.com/impact_theory?lang=en</p><p>YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TomBilyeu</p><p><br /></p><p>SPONSORS:</p><p>Get 5 free AG1 Travel Packs and a FREE 1 year supply of Vitamin D with your first purchase at <a href="https://bit.ly/AG1Impact" target="_blank">https://bit.ly/AG1Impact</a>.</p><p>Right now, Kajabi is offering a 30-day free trial to start your own business if you go to <a href="https://bit.ly/Kajabi-Impact" target="_blank">https://bit.ly/Kajabi-Impact</a>.</p><p>Head to <a href="http://www.insidetracker.com/" target="_blank">www.insidetracker.com</a> and use code “IMPACTTHEORY” to get 20% off!</p><p>Learn a new language and get 55% off at <a href="https://bit.ly/BabbelImpact" target="_blank">https://bit.ly/BabbelImpact</a>.</p><p>Try NordVPN risk-free with a 30-day money-back guarantee by going to <a href="https://bit.ly/NordVPNImpact" target="_blank">https://bit.ly/NordVPNImpact</a></p><p>Give online therapy a try at <a href="https://bit.ly/BetterhelpImpact" target="_blank">https://bit.ly/BetterhelpImpact</a> and get on your way to being your best self.</p><p>Go to <a href="https://bit.ly/PlungeImpact" target="_blank">https://bit.ly/PlungeImpact</a> and use code IMPACT to get $150 off your incredible cold plunge tub today.</p><p><br /></p><p><strong><em>***Are You Ready for EXTRA Impact?***</em></strong></p><p>If you’re ready to find true fulfillment, strengthen your focus, and ignite your true potential, the Impact Theory subscription was created just for you.</p><p>Want to transform your health, sharpen your mindset, improve your relationship, or conquer the business world? 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Key Insights
- Tom experienced childhood nightmares about loveless marriages, which has made him fundamentally opposed to staying in relationships without mutual, intense love.
- Lisa defines passion as the intense feeling when seeing someone that creates a physical response, while Tom distinguishes between physical passion and emotional intensity more broadly.
- Tom argues that equally reciprocated love is essential—when only one person is deeply in love, it creates a 'hell on earth' dynamic rather than one of life's greatest joys.
- Lisa describes 'dust settling' as a distinct problem from incompatibility—when initial spark fades due to accumulated small hurts rather than lack of true connection, couples can rebuild through intentional effort.
- Tom and Lisa discovered that turning positive gestures (like making tea) into expectations removes the joy and meaning from those acts, and recognizing this pattern early prevents relationship deterioration.
- Lisa explains that she needs to understand herself fully before she can communicate effectively with a partner—self-awareness precedes honest communication in relationships.
- Tom notes that having a business together acts like 'soda water'—it either settles a relationship or makes you vomit—there's no middle ground for working couples to remain mediocre.
- Lisa attributes their relationship success partly to Tom's early commitment to reading about the brain and communication, demonstrating that studying relationship patterns helps couples avoid repeating common mistakes.
Topics
Transcript
Welcome Relationship Theory. Let's do it. All right. I need to psych myself up. Wow. Get the energy going. She just battered her toe, by the way, like right before we started. I did batter my toe. All right, guys. Thank you for joining us today. I know it's Tuesday, but we try to keep the same time. This man's busy tomorrow. What am I doing tomorrow? I don't know. But do submit your questions live in the comments below. I don't even remember now what day this is supposed to be. And I'm trying to get to like the quick question okay so we've been told not to ramble at the beginning so here we go would you rather…
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