Choosing Not to Have Kids and Dividing House Chores | Tom & Lisa Bilyeu (Replay)
Tom and Lisa Bilyeu discuss relationship challenges including household chore division, the decision not to have children, and strategies for maintaining communication and intimacy. They emphasize the importance of honest conversations, identifying core values, and avoiding resentment through proactive planning and emotional awareness.
Summary
The episode opens with a question about whether earning significantly more money and working from home obligates someone to do most household chores. Tom and Lisa argue that money should not determine chore responsibilities, but rather couples should agree on what tasks are important, divide them fairly, and recognize that people have different values regarding effort and tidiness. Tom shares his principle of never having a lawn until he could afford to pay someone to maintain it, illustrating how personal values should inform responsibility distribution.
The couple then addresses their decision not to have children—a topic they receive frequently. Lisa discusses the cultural pressure women face regarding motherhood and her initial assumption she would have kids before reconsidering. Tom explains his perspective after reading research by Sam Harris showing that parental happiness typically decreases significantly after having children and doesn't recover until they leave home. He frames having children as closing 999 doors to open one, and argues that once you commit to a path, you must emotionally accept any regret that comes with it. Lisa addresses the worry about regretting the decision later, acknowledging she already experiences moments of regret when around babies, but weighs this against the fulfillment she gains from her career and partnership with Tom. She discusses telling her mother about the decision, which caused her mother to become tearful, though her father's family was more accepting. Tom emphasizes that while he sympathizes with family disappointment, people must make decisions for their own lives rather than others' expectations.
The couple then provides extensive advice on improving communication and handling value collisions in relationships. They stress the importance of identifying patterns (like feeling distant after two weeks without quality time) and proactively preventing issues rather than repeatedly addressing the same problems. Lisa describes how she signals when feeling distant using the phrase 'I'm feeling distant,' which they've agreed upon in emotionally sober states. Tom emphasizes the importance of not judging a partner's emotions even when they seem petty, and starting from the assumption that the partner loves you. He advises against trying to convince a partner to change their mind once they've been heard, and instead recommends projecting the behavior you want to receive. When discussing value collisions (like disagreements over wedding size), they advocate for identifying the real underlying values, being willing to compromise creatively, and avoiding entrenchment in positions. Lisa notes that trying to convince her of something repeatedly made her feel judged and invalidated, whereas Tom learned to present arguments and then give her space to process.
About this episode
<p>[Original air date: Jun 7, 2017]. Tom Bilyeu (@tombilyeu) and Lisa Bilyeu (@lisabilyeu) answer questions directly from the Impact Theory community.</p><p><br /></p><p>Topics covered in this relationship Q&A include:</p><p>How to deal with family’s disappointments in your decision not to have kids.</p><p>Dividing gender roles and house chores in the household when one partner makes more money.</p><p>Practical tips to rebuild the connection in your relationship when one partner feels distant.</p><p>How to deal with the potential regret of not having kids. What to do when you disagree on fundamental values in the relationship.</p><p><br /></p><p>FOLLOW LISA:</p><p>Lisa’s Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/lisabilyeu/</p><p>Women of Impact Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/womenofimpact/</p><p>Twitter: https://twitter.com/lisabilyeu</p><p>Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/lisabilyeu</p><p>YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/womenofimpact</p><p>Tik Tok: https://www.tiktok.com/@lisa_bilyeu?lang=en</p><p><br /></p><p>FOLLOW TOM:</p><p>Tom’s Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/tombilyeu/</p><p>Impact Theory Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/impacttheory/</p><p>Tik Tok: https://www.tiktok.com/@tombilyeu?lang=en</p><p>Tom’s Twitter: https://twitter.com/tombilyeu</p><p>Impact Theory Twitter: https://twitter.com/impact_theory?lang=en</p><p>YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@TomBilyeu</p><p>Tom’s Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/tombilyeu/</p><p><br /></p><p>SPONSORS:</p><p>Get 5 free AG1 Travel Packs and a FREE 1 year supply of Vitamin D with your first purchase at <a href="https://bit.ly/AG1Impact" target="_blank">https://bit.ly/AG1Impact</a>.</p><p>Right now, Kajabi is offering a 30-day free trial to start your own business if you go to <a href="https://bit.ly/Kajabi-Impact" target="_blank">https://bit.ly/Kajabi-Impact</a>.</p><p>Head to <a href="http://www.insidetracker.com/" target="_blank">www.insidetracker.com</a> and use code “IMPACTTHEORY” to get 20% off!</p><p>Learn a new language and get 55% off at <a href="https://bit.ly/BabbelImpact" target="_blank">https://bit.ly/BabbelImpact</a>.</p><p>Try NordVPN risk-free with a 30-day money-back guarantee by going to <a href="https://bit.ly/NordVPNImpact" target="_blank">https://bit.ly/NordVPNImpact</a></p><p>Give online therapy a try at <a href="https://bit.ly/BetterhelpImpact" target="_blank">https://bit.ly/BetterhelpImpact</a> and get on your way to being your best self.</p><p>Go to <a href="https://bit.ly/PlungeImpact" target="_blank">https://bit.ly/PlungeImpact</a> and use code IMPACT to get $150 off your incredible cold plunge tub today.</p><p><br /></p><p><strong><em>***Are You Ready for EXTRA Impact?***</em></strong></p><p>If you’re ready to find true fulfillment, strengthen your focus, and ignite your true potential, the Impact Theory subscription was created just for you.</p><p>Want to transform your health, sharpen your mindset, improve your relationship, or conquer the business world? This is your epicenter of greatness. </p><p>This is not for the faint of heart. This is for those who dare to learn obsessively, every day, day after day.</p><p><br /></p><p><strong>* New episodes delivered ad-free</strong></p><p>* Unlock the gates to a treasure trove of wisdom from inspiring guests like Andrew Huberman, Mel Robbins, Hal Elrod, Matthew McConaughey, and many, many, more</p><p>* Exclusive access to Tom’s AMAs, keynote speeches, and suggestions from his personal reading list</p><p>* You’ll also get access to an<strong> <em>5 additional podcasts</em> </strong>with hundreds of archived Impact Theory episodes, meticulously curated into themed playlists covering health, mindset, business, relationships, and more:</p><p><br /></p><p>*<a href="https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/legendary-mindset/id1683397827?itsct=podcast_box&itscg=30200&ls=1&at=1000l3anZ" target="_blank"><strong>Legendary Mindset</strong></a><strong>:</strong> Mindset & Self-Improvement</p><p>*<a href="https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/money-mindset/id1683397173?itsct=podcast_box&itscg=30200&ls=1&at=1000l3anZ" target="_blank"><strong>Money Mindset</strong></a><strong>: </strong>Business & Finance</p><p>*<a href="https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/relationship-theory/id1683229040?itsct=podcast_box&itscg=30200&ls=1&at=1000l3anZ" target="_blank"><strong>Relationship Theory:</strong></a> Relationships</p><p>*<a href="https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/health-theory/id1683215287?itsct=podcast_box&itscg=30200&ls=1&at=1000l3anZ" target="_blank"><strong>Health Theory</strong></a><strong>: </strong>Mental & Physical Health</p><p>*<a href="https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/power-ups/id1683398038?itsct=podcast_box&itscg=30200&ls=1&at=1000l3anZ" target="_blank"><strong>Power Ups:</strong></a> Weekly Doses of Short Motivational Quotes </p><p><br /></p><p><strong>*****Subscribe on Apple Podcasts: </strong><a href="https://apple.co/3PCvJaz" target="_blank">https://apple.co/3PCvJaz</a>*****</p><p><br /></p><p><strong>Subscribe on all other platforms</strong> (Google Podcasts, Spotify, Castro, Downcast, Overcast, Pocket Casts, Podcast Addict, Podcast Republic, Podkicker, and more) : <a href="https://impacttheorynetwork.supercast.com/" target="_blank">https://impacttheorynetwork.supercast.com/</a></p><p> </p><p>Learn more about your ad choices. Visit <a href="https://megaphone.fm/adchoices" target="_blank">megaphone.fm/adchoices</a></p><p>See Privacy Policy at <a href="https://art19.com/privacy" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://art19.com/privacy</a> and California Privacy Notice at <a href="https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info</a>.</p>
Key Insights
- Tom argues that making more money should not determine who does household chores; instead, couples should agree on what tasks matter most and divide responsibilities accordingly.
- Lisa notes that she initially felt guilty about hiring household help due to cultural programming about women's domestic roles, but reconsidering this freed her from resentment.
- Tom claims that research by Sam Harris demonstrates parental happiness statistically declines after having children and doesn't return to baseline until children leave home, contradicting the belief that most people will be exceptions.
- Tom describes the decision to have or not have children as closing 999 doors to go through one door, and argues people must emotionally accept the regret that comes with any major life choice.
- Lisa acknowledges she experiences moments of regret about not having children when around babies, but this regret is outweighed by her fulfillment from career and relationship.
- Tom states that when his wife says she's feeling distant, he prioritizes scheduling quality time and may cancel other plans because they've agreed this phrase signals a genuine need for reconnection.
- Tom and Lisa argue that couples should identify emotional patterns (such as feeling distant after two weeks without quality time) and proactively prevent issues rather than repeatedly solving the same problem.
- Lisa discovered that Tom's attempts to convince her of his perspective made her feel judged about her thinking style, causing her to feel invalidated, leading him to stop trying to win arguments.
- Tom claims that when he presents a compelling argument and then stops trying to convince his partner, she changes her mind roughly 70% of the time without further persuasion.
- Tom argues that value collisions in relationships are opportunities to earn reputation with each other, and whatever happens during these moments carries forward in the relationship.
- Lisa notes that she requires emotional sobriety (being calm, not in the midst of feeling neglected) before she can productively discuss relationship issues and hear her partner's perspective.
- Tom states that selection of a partner is the most important decision in a relationship, and being with someone with a fixed mindset or chronic pessimism makes all other relationship tactics ineffective.
Topics
Transcript
Hey everybody, welcome to another episode of Relationship Theory. I'm your co-host Tom Bilyeu and I'm here with Lisa Bilyeu. What is up, homegirl? How we doing? Good, how you doing? Good, thank you. Thank you, Jared Fitzgerald of TVL. My man, Jared. Agent Smith coming to the rescue as always. Okay, I've got a question from Frank Wright right this is from last week on facebook okay frank right says i make significantly more money than my partner almost four times the amount in addition i work from home does that make me still on the hook for doing all of or most of the house chores like cooking cleaning laundry. This taking into consideration social gender norms and…
Full transcript available for MurmurCast members
Sign Up to AccessMore from Tom Bilyeu's Impact Theory
24,000 Illegal Votes, Trump’s Foreign Fumbles, GTA 6 Leaks, and the Truth About U.S. Election Integrity | Tom Bilyeu Show
In this episode of the Tom Bilyeu Show, the discussion covers various political topics including the implications of voter fraud reports, Trump's foreign policy decisions, and recent leaks about GTA 6. Significant emphasis is placed on the need for transparency in resource management, particularly regarding Venezuela's gold.
Planned Episode 8/18/2026
The episode analyzes China's economic crisis—marked by record contractions in bank lending, collapsing government bond yields, and a housing bubble collapse—as a cautionary template for understanding similar weaknesses emerging in the U.S. economy. The host argues that low interest rates signal economic weakness rather than stimulus, and that psychology and expectations about the future are more important than government policy in determining economic outcomes.
$300K Debate Meltdown, JD Vance’s Dollar Bombshell & The Wealth Tax That Could Destroy Silicon Valley | The Tom Bilyeu Show
Tom Bilyeu discusses major political and economic developments including a controversial $300K debate between Candace Owens and Andrew Wilson, JD Vance's critique of reserve currency status, wealth tax proposals and Mark Cuban's rebuttal, Iran war developments, and widespread political corruption scandals.
Mamdani vs Amazon, AI Replacing Doctors, DSA Member Is $108K Behind On Rent | Weekly Recap
The episode discusses Google's AI medical research showing AI doctors outperforming human physicians, critiques DSA activist Tracy Rosenthal's rent strike that devastated an immigrant landlord, and analyzes Councilmember Mamdani's regulatory push against Amazon's contractor delivery system, arguing these interventions prioritize punishment over actual worker welfare.
This Isn't Just Technology — It's A Weapons Race — We Had To React
This video analyzes whether AI is in a bubble by examining the massive capital expenditures of hyperscalers, comparing current debt-to-value ratios (4%) to the dot-com era (30%), and weighing bullish arguments about AI as a critical arms race against bearish concerns about revenue growth, Chinese competition, and public sentiment.