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Harvard Business School Professor: This One Research Study Will Change Your Life and Career

The Mel Robbins Podcast1h 5m

Harvard Business School professor Dr. Leslie John presents research showing that undersharing — not oversharing — is the real danger in human relationships and careers. She argues that revealing personal information, including weaknesses and feelings, builds trust, improves health, and deepens connections. The episode explores the science of disclosure decisions and offers practical tools for becoming more open.

Summary

Host Mel Robbins interviews Dr. Leslie John, a behavioral scientist and Harvard Business School professor, about her research on self-disclosure, trust, and the consequences of withholding information. Dr. John's central argument is that most people fear oversharing, but the real cost comes from undersharing — staying silent, hiding feelings, and defaulting to surface-level interactions.

Dr. John presents several landmark studies that shaped her thinking. First, a thought experiment about dating revealed that people overwhelmingly prefer someone who admits to having had STDs over someone who refuses to answer the question — approximately 65% chose the revealer. In hiring contexts, 89% of people preferred candidates who admitted to bad grades over those who opted out. The underlying mechanism is that revealing sensitive information signals trust, which triggers reciprocal trust in others.

A neuroscience study found that when people answer personal questions — even mundane ones like favorite ice cream — the brain's pleasure centers activate. This suggests humans are biologically wired to find self-disclosure rewarding. A third study involving preschoolers watching a scary movie found that children who expressed more emotion on their faces had calmer physiological responses (less sweaty palms), demonstrating that emotional expression helps process stress. However, by kindergarten, boys had already been culturally conditioned to suppress emotional expression.

Dr. John introduces the concept of 'disclosure decisions' — the constant, often unconscious choices people make about what to reveal or withhold. Using a mason jar and ping-pong balls as props, she walks through a typical morning, demonstrating how many thoughts and feelings go unexpressed before 9:30 AM. She argues that this cumulative suppression leads to rumination, decreased mental focus, lower IQ performance on tests, and worse physical health outcomes.

The conversation covers the difference between talkativeness and genuine openness, with Dr. John coining the term 'extroversion illusion' — the mistaken belief that extroverts are more emotionally open. She argues the best revealers are those with 'disclosure flexibility,' able to shift between openness and guardedness depending on context.

On the topic of secrets versus privacy, Dr. John distinguishes between private information held with settled boundaries versus secrets that create unresolved mental loops and ongoing rumination. She recommends that secrets almost always need to be revealed in some form — even through journaling — to resolve the psychological burden they create.

For practical application, Dr. John recommends two sentence starters to use in relationships: 'I feel...' and 'I need...' She emphasizes that feelings are harder to debate than thoughts and that expressing them invites care and reduces conflict. She also discusses how emotional disclosure can be persuasive in professional settings, sharing a personal story of crying during a hostile academic talk and using that moment to call out belligerent behavior, which she frames as a 'catalyst confession.'

The episode closes with Dr. John citing research by Cornell psychologist Tom Gilovich showing that 76% of life regrets involve things people did not do, and palliative care research by Bronnie Ware identifying 'I wish I had shared my feelings more' as the third most common deathbed regret.

About this episode

Today's episode is going to completely change the way you think about every conversation you've been too afraid to have. Ever wonder why your relationships feel surface level, even after years? Why you feel lonely, even when you're surrounded by people? Why you say “I’m fine,” even when you’re not? Why some people earn trust instantly, while you struggle to be taken seriously? Harvard Business School’s Dr. Leslie K. John, a behavioral scientist who has spent decades studying honesty, trust, privacy, regret, and decision-making, is here to teach you the answer – and it's not what you think. In today’s episode, you will learn the surprising science of honesty, vulnerability, and human connection. Her research has found why the things you don't say are quietly hurting your health, your relationships, and your career – and exactly what to do about it. For years, the advice has been: don't overshare, at work or with friends. Keep things private. But decades of Harvard research say that advice is backwards. Dr. John's findings are shocking, and reveal that the real problem, the one deepening loneliness and costing you the career and connections you want, is undersharing. In this episode, you’ll learn that 89% of people would choose to work with, trust, and hire someone who reveals something difficult, even something unflattering, over someone who stays quiet. That keeping secrets doesn't just feel heavy. Research shows it lowers cognitive performance, IQ, and is linked to measurable declines in physical health. That one of the most common deathbed regrets is “I wish I had shared my feelings more.” That you can use The Disclosure Matrix, which is the exact decision-making tool Dr. John teaches at Harvard Business School, so you always know when to speak up and when to stay quiet. And, you’ll learn the 2-sentence framework that makes any hard conversation easier to start. If you've ever held something back because you didn't want to make things awkward, said "I'm fine" when you weren't, or wished your relationships felt deeper and more honest, this episode will change the way you communicate forever. For more resources related to today’s episode, click here for the podcast episode page. If you liked the episode, check out this one next: Stanford Luck Researcher: How to Manifest the Life You Want Connect with Mel: Get Pure Genius Protein Get Mel’s newsletter, packed with tools, coaching, and inspiration. Get Mel’s #1 bestselling book, The Let Them Theory Watch the episodes on YouTube Follow Mel on Instagram The Mel Robbins Podcast Instagram Mel's TikTok Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes ad-free Disclaimer

Key Insights

  • Dr. John's research found that people prefer a date or job candidate who admits to something negative (STDs, bad grades) over someone who refuses to answer — 89% preferred the admitting candidate in hiring scenarios — because refusal triggers distrust.
  • Dr. John argues that revealing sensitive information signals trust to the listener, who then reciprocates with trust, forming the foundation of human relationships.
  • A neuroscience study Dr. John cites found that answering personal questions activates the brain's pleasure centers, suggesting self-disclosure is biologically rewarding in ancient brain structures.
  • A study of preschoolers showed that children who expressed more emotion facially had calmer physiological responses (measured by galvanic skin response), meaning emotional expression helps regulate internal stress.
  • Dr. John found that by kindergarten, boys had already been culturally conditioned toward emotional stoicism, diverging from girls in emotional expression despite showing similar levels as preschoolers.
  • Dr. John argues that extroverts are not necessarily more emotionally open than introverts — talkativeness and genuine self-disclosure are distinct skills, a phenomenon she calls the 'extroversion illusion.'
  • Dr. John's company-level research found that when Commonwealth Bank of Australia disclosed reasons customers might not want a credit card, it did not reduce acquisition but increased retention, earning the bank millions of dollars.
  • Dr. John's research with managers showed that self-introductions that included weaknesses made employees more likely to want to work for that manager — not because they seemed more competent, but because they seemed more trustworthy.
  • Dr. John distinguishes secrets (unresolved, rumination-inducing mental loops) from private information (settled boundaries), arguing secrets almost always need some form of revelation — even journaling — to resolve their psychological burden.
  • Dr. John argues that emotional disclosures are more persuasive than logical arguments in professional settings because emotions are hard to fake and signal genuine investment, making them credible.
  • Dr. John introduces the concept of 'catalyst confessions,' citing Magic Johnson's 1991 HIV announcement as an example of a leader using personal disclosure to de-stigmatize an issue, with research suggesting it prompted approximately 900 additional people to get tested.
  • Cornell psychologist Tom Gilovich's research, cited by Dr. John, found that 76% of life regrets involve things people did not do, and palliative care researcher Bronnie Ware found that 'I wish I had shared my feelings more' is the third most common deathbed regret.

Topics

Self-disclosure and vulnerabilityTrust and relationship buildingThe psychology of secrets and suppressionEmotional intelligence and emotional vocabularyDisclosure decisions in daily lifeLeadership and openness at workLoneliness and surface-level connectionDeathbed regrets and life meaning

Transcript

Hey, it's your friend Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. Let me ask you a question. How many times today did you stop yourself from saying something? I get it. Maybe it felt awkward or unnecessary or that if you said something, it might make things weird. So instead, you were like, oh, I'm fine. You kept it light. You swallowed the comment. You hid the truth. And you let it go. You probably told yourself, oh, that's maturity. That's emotional intelligence. That's having solid boundaries, not saying anything. But what if you're just terrified of oversharing? You obsess over saying too much. You replay conversations because you're worried that you said the wrong thing or you crossed…

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