Create a Happier Version of Yourself: Redirect Your Energy for Positive Thinking
Mel Robbins and her 21-year-old son Oakley discuss a four-point framework for determining whether unhappiness stems from personal factors or external circumstances. Through Oakley's experience of being miserable at college for 18 months before finding happiness, they identify key indicators: comparing the present to the past, shrinking versus expansive energy, giving 100% commitment, and whether change in oneself produces change in the situation.
Summary
Mel Robbins begins by sharing her shock at how happy her sophomore son Oakley has become after being deeply unhappy at college for 18 months. The conversation explores what changed through a framework of four takeaways that help determine whether unhappiness is self-inflicted or situational. Oakley details his experience: he loved high school, felt valued and outgoing, and was devastated to leave for college. He arrived miserable, immediately comparing college unfavorably to his high school life, his hometown friends, his relationship, and his high school sports team. This comparison created a judgmental lens that prevented him from genuinely engaging with college life.
The first takeaway is that constant comparison between past and present prevents someone from being present and engaged in their current chapter. Oakley admits he was deeply judgmental of college because he was measuring it against an idealized version of his high school experience. Mel parallels this with her own struggle when moving from Boston to Vermont—she spent months comparing the new location unfavorably and isolating herself rather than building new relationships.
The second takeaway concerns energy and engagement: whether someone is shrinking back with crossed arms or expanding into opportunity. Oakley describes his stubborn refusal to try new things, going to events once or twice, finding reasons they were terrible, and retreating to his dorm. He wanted to prove to people that change wouldn't help, essentially proving to himself that he was a hopeless case. Mel explains how shrinking energy—withdrawing, being judgmental, quietly quitting—prevents people from creating the life they want. Only when Oakley began saying yes to everything and giving genuine effort did things start to shift.
The third takeaway is about giving 100% commitment to a situation. Oakley wasn't fully present mentally because he had a long-distance relationship that provided an escape route. He would spend Friday and Saturday nights on video calls rather than building college friendships, giving him an outlet that prevented him from working through discomfort. Even when they broke up mid-freshman year, they maintained contact, leaving the exit open. It wasn't until he and his girlfriend committed to full no-contact that the exit was truly closed and he could stop straddling two worlds.
The fourth takeaway is that if you change nothing, nothing changes. Oakley didn't experience improvement until January of his sophomore year when he made the decision to stop comparing, closed the exit with his girlfriend, and committed to expanding his energy. He started saying yes to invitations, reaching out to acquaintances, joining the Frisbee team he'd rejected freshman year, and genuinely engaging with people. This created a feedback loop where initial awkwardness gave way to genuine friendships. Mel provides the example of Oakley's older sister, who changed everything about how she showed up to her job for three years—starting a young professionals group, getting promotions, pouring in 150% effort—and when nothing in the situation improved despite her personal transformation, she made the decision to leave the job knowing she'd done everything possible.
The episode emphasizes that life chapters inevitably bring discomfort and change, but individuals have agency in how they respond. If someone goes through the entire checklist—stops comparing, shifts to expansive energy, commits 100%, makes changes—and the situation still doesn't improve, they can leave with confidence. But more often, personal transformation changes the situation itself. Oakley describes a pivotal moment sitting in a car in the rain talking with a new friend, suddenly realizing he had exactly what he'd been seeking—genuine close friendships and a sense of belonging—and that happiness returned gradually after that point.
About this episode
In this episode, you will learn how to take back your power when you’re in the midst of change, stress, or uncertainty, and then redirect your energy for self-transformation. If there’s an area of your life that you’re feeling unhappy about and want to take control over, today’s episode will show you exactly what to do. Joining Mel in this deeply personal episode is her 21-year-old son Oakley. He candidly shares how he went from feeling stuck and lonely, to finally feeling happy again, and the simple mindset shifts and changes that made the biggest difference. He and Mel openly unpack how to go from feeling unhappy about a situation you feel like you don’t have a lot of control over, and how to move through it. In this episode, you’ll learn: -How the fantasy version of your past keeps you from seeing what’s possible now -How to know whether it’s you or the situation that needs to change -Why it’s unfair to criticize where you are if you haven’t done this one thing -How long you should give a new situation before deciding if it’s the right fit -The 4 things you may be doing to keep you stuck and unhappy -The signs that you’re “quietly quitting” the situation you’re in -The science of luck and what happy people do to make their own luck -The first thing you need to do when you’re unhappy and want your life to feel different Here’s the hard truth: nobody is coming to rescue you - and that’s good news. It means you have more power than you think. The moment you see what’s keeping you stuck, you can start changing it. After today, you’ll know exactly what needs to change first. For more resources related to today’s episode, click here for the podcast episode page. If you liked the episode, check out this one next with Dave Evans and Bill Burnett: How to Design Your Life in 1 Hour Connect with Mel: Order Mel’s new product, Pure Genius Protein Get Mel’s newsletter, packed with tools, coaching, and inspiration. Get Mel’s #1 bestselling book, The Let Them Theory Watch the episodes on YouTube Follow Mel on Instagram The Mel Robbins Podcast Instagram Mel's TikTok Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes ad-free Disclaimer
Key Insights
- Oakley believes he was miserable at college for 18 months primarily because he constantly compared it to his beloved high school experience, making him judgmental and unable to appreciate what was in front of him
- Mel argues that comparison amplifies judgment and causes isolation, preventing someone from being present enough to experience what's actually available in their current situation
- Oakley claims that even when people offered him advice and tools for success, his stubborn refusal to engage meant he didn't change his situation despite having the information he needed
- Mel contends that shrinking energy—crossing arms, withdrawing, being judgmental—is a physical and mental posture that prevents people from accessing the opportunities and connections in their environment
- Oakley identifies that his long-distance relationship provided an escape outlet that gave him a legitimate reason to avoid the discomfort of building new friendships, preventing him from working through the necessary struggle
- Oakley explains that burning the exit—committing to no contact with his ex—was essential because leaving the exit open meant he could keep retreating to it rather than fully investing in his current life
- Mel argues that going through personal transformation for a year in a situation and seeing no improvement is valid evidence that the situation itself, not the person, needs to change
- Oakley reveals that recognizing his capacity to tolerate unhappiness for extended periods—and how he could have continued much longer—frightens him and makes him aware he must actively choose change
- Mel suggests that grief is inherent in moving on from one chapter to embrace a new one, and acknowledging this sadness is part of what prevents people from fully engaging with what's next
- Oakley describes his breakthrough moment as ordinary—sitting in a car in the rain with a friend—and realizes the happiness he sought had appeared through consistent effort rather than a dramatic event
- Mel proposes that the power to improve life comes through the one thing individuals can always control: how they show up, their attitude, energy, and actions, regardless of the situation
- Oakley asserts that if nothing changes despite personal transformation efforts, the framework provides permission to leave a situation knowing everything possible was attempted
Topics
Transcript
Hey, it's your friend, Mel, and welcome to the Mel Robbins Podcast. All right, I have a personal story that I am dying to share with you, and I'm also really excited because our 21-year-old son, Oakley, is gonna be joining me on this episode, and you are gonna get so much out of this. So here's the story. Couple weekends ago, our son came home, he's a sophomore in college, and I was so shocked at how happy he was. And the reason I was shocked is because he's been miserable at school for about 18 months, like the lowest I have ever seen my son in his entire life. And it makes you realize that I guess you…
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