From the archive: ‘As borders closed, I became trapped in my Americanness’: China, the US and me
Author Cleo Chan reflects on losing both grandparents in China during COVID-19 lockdowns, when travel restrictions forced her family to attend funerals via WeChat video calls. The piece explores her complex relationship with her Chinese heritage and American identity, drawing from interviews she conducted with her grandparents before their deaths.
Summary
Cleo Chan wrote this deeply personal essay after both her paternal grandparents died within two months of each other in 2020 during COVID-19 lockdowns. Unable to travel to China for the funerals, her scattered American family attended via WeChat video calls, highlighting the surreal nature of mourning through technology. The piece weaves together her grandfather's death on Chinese Valentine's Day and her grandmother's sudden passing while eating dinner, with broader reflections on diaspora, identity, and belonging. Chan describes visiting China in 2018 to collect family oral histories, interviewing her grandmother about their lives as Communist Party members and her grandfather's journey from an illiterate farm boy to a published writer who fought in WWII. She explores the technological barriers of modern China, where tourists struggle without Alipay, and her own inability to 'pass' as Chinese despite her heritage. The essay examines the tension between her American life and Chinese roots, questioning whether she can authentically tell her grandparents' stories or feels obligated to do so as the family writer. Chan reflects on Edward Said's concept of exile, describing how even voluntary separation from one's cultural homeland creates profound disconnection. The pandemic intensified her sense of being 'trapped in her Americanness' while anti-Asian violence increased in the US. The essay concludes with translated WeChat messages from her aunts speaking to their deceased parents' spirits, demonstrating how technology mediates both grief and connection across diaspora.
About this episode
We are raiding the Guardian Long Read archives to bring you some classic pieces from years past, with new introductions from the authors. This week, from 2021: I’ve long nursed vague plans of moving back to China for a few years, to solidify my place there. But with each year that passes in the US, such a move gets harder and harder to make. By Cleo Qian. Help support our independent journalism at <a href="https://www.theguardian.com/longreadpod">theguardian.com/longreadpod</a>
Key Insights
- The author argues that attending funerals via WeChat video created an alienating experience where mourning felt incomplete and unreal, as family members could only send their spirits through small screens rather than participate in physical rituals
- Chan claims that her grandfather's transformation from an illiterate farm boy who joined the Communist army for food to a published novelist represents a classic proletariat triumph story that forms a foundational family myth
- The author describes feeling caught between two incomplete worlds - spending time in China meant time away from her American life, while her American upbringing left gaps in her Chinese cultural knowledge that relatives noticed and criticized
- Chan argues that modern China's digital payment systems like Alipay create barriers for diaspora visitors, making her feel like an outsider in her ancestral homeland despite family connections
- The author suggests that each generation of her family becomes more scattered geographically, with Hefei no longer serving as the family's central gathering place as cousins marry and emigrate
- Chan claims the pandemic intensified her sense of being 'trapped in her Americanness' while anti-China rhetoric and anti-Asian violence made her feel unwelcome in her birth country
- The author argues that diaspora children face pressure to serve as cultural bridges and family historians, feeling obligated to tell their ancestors' stories even when lacking deep cultural knowledge
- Chan suggests that WeChat's imperfect machine translations create an unintentional poetry when family members communicate across languages, turning mundane updates into something more meaningful through technological mediation
Topics
Transcript
This is The Guardian. The Guardian Archive Long Read. Hi, I'm Cleo Chan, and I'm the author of As Borders Closed, I Became Trapped in My Americaness, China, the U.S., and Me, which was published in 2021. The reason I decided to write this piece was that in 2020, both of my grandparents on my father's side passed away within two months of each other, and this was when we were all in a lockdown in the U.S. during the COVID-19 early stages of the pandemic, and none of us could fly to China to attend the funerals or be with our family. And I'm a fan of China, and I'm a fan of China, and I'm a fan of…
Full transcript available for MurmurCast members
Sign Up to AccessMore from The Audio Long Read
On the trail with the hunters who believe shooting big game can save Africa’s wildlife
Cal Flynn's article explores the paradox of trophy hunting in Africa's Nyassa Special Reserve, where killing wild animals generates revenue that funds conservation efforts. Through firsthand observation of a buffalo hunt and interviews with conservancy director Derek Littleton, Flynn examines how hunting income sustains anti-poaching operations and local communities. The piece questions whether this morally uncomfortable system can or should be replaced, given its apparent effectiveness.
From the archive: Putin, Trump, Ukraine: how Timothy Snyder became the leading interpreter of our dark times
This Guardian Long Read profiles Timothy Snyder, a Yale historian of Eastern Europe who became a prominent public intellectual through his warnings about Trump's authoritarian tendencies and his deep engagement with the Russia-Ukraine conflict. The piece examines his background, his controversial but often prescient predictions, and the tensions between his roles as academic historian and political activist. It also explores criticism from both the left and right about his rhetorical style and ideological positioning.
How to survive the information crisis: ‘We once talked about fake news – now reality itself feels fake’
Guardian Editor-in-Chief Katherine Viner argues that interconnected global crises — environmental, political, economic, and informational — are being driven and compounded by digital technology designed to fragment attention and stoke conflict. She contends that transparently funded, human-centered journalism serves as essential civic infrastructure to counter these forces. The Guardian's reader-supported model is presented as both a practical solution and a political act in defense of shared reality.
Stateside with Kai and Carter: Stacey Abrams on why gutting of the US Voting Rights Act is ‘evil’
Hosts Kai Wright and Carter Sherman of The Guardian's 'Stateside' podcast interview Stacey Abrams about the Supreme Court's gutting of the Voting Rights Act through Louisiana v. Calais. Abrams frames the ruling not as a partisan issue but as a move toward authoritarianism, arguing that while the decision is 'evil,' it has misread the moment and that determination — not optimism — must drive the response. She outlines strategies including court battles, voter registration, coalition building, and ultimately a new constitutional amendment affirming an explicit right to vote.
‘Lawrence is karma’: the gangster who became an icon of Modi’s India
This Guardian Long Read profiles Lawrence Bishnoi, India's most notorious gangster, who has orchestrated high-profile murders and international assassinations from inside a high-security prison. The article explores how Bishnoi rose from a privileged rural background through violent student politics to become a celebrity criminal icon in Modi's India, allegedly with links to the Indian government's covert operations targeting Sikh separatists abroad.