From the archive: ‘As borders closed, I became trapped in my Americanness’: China, the US and me
Author Cleo Chan reflects on losing both grandparents in China during COVID-19 lockdowns, when travel restrictions forced her family to attend funerals via WeChat video calls. The piece explores her complex relationship with her Chinese heritage and American identity, drawing from interviews she conducted with her grandparents before their deaths.
Summary
Cleo Chan wrote this deeply personal essay after both her paternal grandparents died within two months of each other in 2020 during COVID-19 lockdowns. Unable to travel to China for the funerals, her scattered American family attended via WeChat video calls, highlighting the surreal nature of mourning through technology. The piece weaves together her grandfather's death on Chinese Valentine's Day and her grandmother's sudden passing while eating dinner, with broader reflections on diaspora, identity, and belonging. Chan describes visiting China in 2018 to collect family oral histories, interviewing her grandmother about their lives as Communist Party members and her grandfather's journey from an illiterate farm boy to a published writer who fought in WWII. She explores the technological barriers of modern China, where tourists struggle without Alipay, and her own inability to 'pass' as Chinese despite her heritage. The essay examines the tension between her American life and Chinese roots, questioning whether she can authentically tell her grandparents' stories or feels obligated to do so as the family writer. Chan reflects on Edward Said's concept of exile, describing how even voluntary separation from one's cultural homeland creates profound disconnection. The pandemic intensified her sense of being 'trapped in her Americanness' while anti-Asian violence increased in the US. The essay concludes with translated WeChat messages from her aunts speaking to their deceased parents' spirits, demonstrating how technology mediates both grief and connection across diaspora.
Key Insights
- The author argues that attending funerals via WeChat video created an alienating experience where mourning felt incomplete and unreal, as family members could only send their spirits through small screens rather than participate in physical rituals
- Chan claims that her grandfather's transformation from an illiterate farm boy who joined the Communist army for food to a published novelist represents a classic proletariat triumph story that forms a foundational family myth
- The author describes feeling caught between two incomplete worlds - spending time in China meant time away from her American life, while her American upbringing left gaps in her Chinese cultural knowledge that relatives noticed and criticized
- Chan argues that modern China's digital payment systems like Alipay create barriers for diaspora visitors, making her feel like an outsider in her ancestral homeland despite family connections
- The author suggests that each generation of her family becomes more scattered geographically, with Hefei no longer serving as the family's central gathering place as cousins marry and emigrate
- Chan claims the pandemic intensified her sense of being 'trapped in her Americanness' while anti-China rhetoric and anti-Asian violence made her feel unwelcome in her birth country
- The author argues that diaspora children face pressure to serve as cultural bridges and family historians, feeling obligated to tell their ancestors' stories even when lacking deep cultural knowledge
- Chan suggests that WeChat's imperfect machine translations create an unintentional poetry when family members communicate across languages, turning mundane updates into something more meaningful through technological mediation
Topics
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