The Psychology Of Feeling Loved | Dr Sonja Lyubomirsky
Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, a happiness researcher with 36 years of experience, discusses her book 'How to Feel Loved,' arguing that the key to happiness is not being loved but feeling loved. She outlines five mindsets — sharing, listening to learn, radical curiosity, open heart, and multiplicity — that help people feel more loved by changing how they show up in conversations rather than changing themselves or others. The conversation also touches on acts of kindness, MDMA research, non-monogamy, and parenting.
Summary
Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky joins host Michael Gervais on the Finding Mastery podcast to discuss her book 'How to Feel Loved,' co-authored with relationships researcher Harry Reese. After 36 years of happiness research, Lyubomirsky concluded that the key to happiness is not being loved, but feeling loved — a distinction she argues is subjective and partially within one's control. A survey conducted for the book found that 70% of respondents don't feel as loved as they want to be in at least one relationship, and 40% feel this way specifically about their romantic partner.
Lyubomirsky and Gervais explore the concept of the 'foggy glass' metaphor — the idea that most people have invisible walls around them that prevent others from truly knowing them. She argues that feeling loved requires being known, and that people often fail to feel loved even when love is present because they remain opaque to others. The central, somewhat counterintuitive message of the book is that if you want to feel more loved, you should go first by making someone else feel loved — primarily through genuine curiosity and attentive listening.
The book identifies five mindsets for feeling more loved. The first is the sharing mindset, which involves authentic and vulnerable self-disclosure rather than just showcasing positive qualities. The second is the listening-to-learn mindset, which means listening to understand rather than to respond or fix — encapsulated by the phrase 'tell me more.' The third is radical curiosity, defined as showing genuine interest in another person's thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Lyubomirsky notes that people frequently stop being curious about long-term partners because they assume they already know everything, and argues this is a critical error. The fourth mindset is the open heart mindset, which involves warmth, compassion, believing in others, and the 'Michelangelo effect' — helping others become their ideal selves. The fifth is the multiplicity mindset, which involves seeing people (and oneself) as complex quilts of positive, negative, and neutral traits rather than defining them by single behaviors or flaws.
The conversation expands into related areas, including the role of acts of kindness in fostering connection and even altering gene expression toward stronger immune profiles, based on Lyubomirsky's clinical trial research. She discusses Nick Epley's research showing people underestimate the positive impact of compliments and deep questions, and both host and guest emphasize the power of reaching out to old contacts with simple expressions of gratitude.
Lyubomirsky also addresses her MDMA research, explaining that the substance serves as a scientific window into what the brain looks like when walls come down — people feel more authentic, more curious, and more connected, which informs the therapeutic use of MDMA for trauma. She contrasts this with alcohol, noting MDMA users report feeling more like themselves rather than disinhibited. The conversation briefly touches on non-monogamy, with Lyubomirsky citing a YouGov poll suggesting 40% of millennials have been or want to be non-monogamous, and noting that non-monogamous relationships often involve more explicit communication which can reduce jealousy compared to monogamous ones.
On parenting, Lyubomirsky argues that the same five mindsets apply, adapted for age-appropriateness — showing genuine curiosity about children's interests, listening rather than immediately fixing, sharing selectively, separating behavior from personhood (multiplicity), and offering consistent warmth and belief. The episode closes with Lyubomirsky reflecting on how her research has shaped her own life, particularly in expressing love to friends openly, prioritizing gratitude, and combining physical exercise with nature for happiness.
About this episode
<p><strong>Why is it that so many of us are loved... and yet don’t actually feel loved?</strong></p><p>Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky is a Professor of Psychology at UC Riverside and one of the world’s leading researchers on happiness. Her newest book, <em>How to Feel Loved</em>, co-authored with relationship scientist Harry Reis, lands at a strange moment: a time when more people than ever say they are connected, and more people than ever say they don’t actually feel it. In this conversation with Dr. Michael Gervais, Sonja offers a quietly radical reframe. After 36 years of studying what makes a life happy, she has come to believe the answer lies in this: Feeling loved.</p><p>And here is where it gets interesting. Sonja’s research is showing that feeling loved is not something we have to wait for. It’s something we can help create. Most of us, when we sense the absence, default to one of two strategies. We try to be more lovable. Or we try to change the person on the other side. Sonja argues that neither one actually works. What changes a relationship is changing the conversation.</p><p>She walks Mike through the five mindsets at the heart of the book: the sharing mindset, listening to learn, radical curiosity, open heart, and multiplicity. Along the way, they explore why most of us are listening to respond instead of listening to learn, the three words people actually want to hear (hint: it’s not <em>I love you</em>), and why ‘tell me more’ might be one of the most loving phrases in the English language. Sonja shares her foggy glass metaphor for why being known is the prerequisite to being loved, the Michelangelo effect, and a striking line the Dalai Lama once said to her about how we hold each other.</p><p>The conversation also gets honest about the harder edges. Bridging political divides at the dinner table. Staying curious about a partner of 30 years. Navigating the modern questions around AI companions, monogamy, and what it means to really go deep with another human. And the research on what tiny acts of kindness, including the impact a 10-second compliment can have.</p><p>If you’ve ever been surrounded by people who love you and still felt unseen, this conversation is a gentle invitation back in. The good news is that feeling loved is under your control, more than you think. Sonja’s research will show you exactly where to start.</p><p><strong>Most of us are waiting to feel loved. Sonja shows us how to create the conditions for it... starting today.</strong></p><p>_____________________________________________________</p><p><strong>Links & Resources</strong></p><p><strong>Subscribe</strong> to our YouTube Channel for more conversations at the intersection of high performance, leadership, and wellbeing: <a href="https://www.youtube.com/c/FindingMastery" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.youtube.com/c/FindingMastery</a> </p><p><strong>Get exclusive</strong> discounts and support our amazing sponsors!</p><p><strong>Go to: </strong><a href="https://findingmastery.com/sponsors/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://findingmastery.com/sponsors/</a> </p><p><strong>Subscribe</strong> to the Finding Mastery newsletter for weekly high performance insights: <a href="https://www.findingmastery.com/newsletter" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://www.findingmastery.com/newsletter</a> </p><p><strong>Download</strong> Dr. Mike’s Morning Mindset Routine: <a href="http://findingmastery.com/morningmindset" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">findingmastery.com/morningmindset</a></p><p><strong>Follow</strong> on<a href="https://www.youtube.com/findingmastery" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"> YouTube</a>,<a href="https://www.instagram.com/findingmastery/?hl=en" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"> Instagram</a>,<a href="https://www.linkedin.com/in/drmichaelgervais/" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"> LinkedIn</a>, and<a href="https://x.com/michaelgervais" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank"> X</a></p><p><strong>Book: </strong><em>How to Feel Loved</em> by Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky and Harry Reis. Learn more and take the mindset quiz at <a href="http://howtofeellove.com" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">howtofeellove.com</a> </p><p>See Privacy Policy at <a href="https://art19.com/privacy" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://art19.com/privacy</a> and California Privacy Notice at <a href="https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info" rel="noopener noreferrer" target="_blank">https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info</a>.</p>
Key Insights
- Lyubomirsky argues that the key to happiness is not being loved but feeling loved — a subjective experience that is partially under one's own control, distinct from whether love objectively exists in one's life.
- A survey conducted for the book found that 70% of respondents don't feel as loved as they want to be in at least one relationship, and 40% feel this specifically about their romantic partner, suggesting the gap between being loved and feeling loved is widespread.
- Lyubomirsky claims that the counterintuitive first step to feeling more loved is to make someone else feel loved first, leveraging reciprocity as one of the most powerful and evolutionarily adaptive norms of human behavior.
- Lyubomirsky argues that people most commonly misunderstand feeling loved by believing they need to make themselves more lovable — broadcasting positive qualities — when in fact this approach generates admiration but not a felt sense of love or connection.
- She contends that people stop being curious about long-term partners because they assume familiarity equals full knowledge, but every person generates new thoughts, fears, dreams, and experiences daily that remain unknown unless actively explored.
- Lyubomirsky's lab found that participants randomly assigned to perform acts of kindness for others showed changes in gene expression associated with stronger immune profiles — specifically reduced pro-inflammatory and increased antiviral gene expression.
- She cites Nick Epley's research showing people suppress roughly four out of five compliments they think of giving, and systematically underestimate how positively compliments, deep questions, and gratitude expressions are received.
- Lyubomirsky frames the MDMA research as a scientific window into brain states associated with feeling loved — noting users report feeling more authentically themselves, more curious, and less defensive, which she argues maps directly onto the five mindsets she describes.
- She distinguishes MDMA from alcohol by noting that MDMA users report greater authenticity and self-recognition, whereas alcohol produces disinhibition without the same sense of being more oneself — a distinction relevant to therapeutic use.
- The multiplicity mindset, which Lyubomirsky traces to trauma research, holds that people are complex quilts of positive and negative traits and should not be defined by single behaviors — she argues this mindset enables forgiveness and acceptance without condoning harmful actions.
- Lyubomirsky argues that not feeling loved is evolutionarily adaptive — it functions as a healthy signal analogous to ancestral exclusion from the group, motivating repair of social bonds rather than representing a permanent deficit.
- She suggests that the five mindsets she describes are as relevant to bridging political and ideological divides as they are to personal relationships, arguing that showing genuine curiosity toward those with opposing views can create connection even across deep disagreement.
Topics
Transcript
I've done 36 years of research on happiness. And after all those decades of research, I realized that the key to happiness is... Why is it that so many of us are loved and yet we actually don't feel loved? If you want to feel more loved, you need to become known. You need to be known to the other person and to really know the other. And most of us have these sort of walls around us. And that means I don't really know you and you don't really know me because you can barely see through. Welcome back or welcome to the Finding Mastery podcast, where we dive into the minds of the world's greatest thinkers and doers.…
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