The Psychology Of Feeling Loved | Dr Sonja Lyubomirsky
Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, a happiness researcher with 36 years of experience, discusses her book 'How to Feel Loved,' arguing that the key to happiness is not being loved but feeling loved. She outlines five mindsets — sharing, listening to learn, radical curiosity, open heart, and multiplicity — that help people feel more loved by changing how they show up in conversations rather than changing themselves or others. The conversation also touches on acts of kindness, MDMA research, non-monogamy, and parenting.
Summary
Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky joins host Michael Gervais on the Finding Mastery podcast to discuss her book 'How to Feel Loved,' co-authored with relationships researcher Harry Reese. After 36 years of happiness research, Lyubomirsky concluded that the key to happiness is not being loved, but feeling loved — a distinction she argues is subjective and partially within one's control. A survey conducted for the book found that 70% of respondents don't feel as loved as they want to be in at least one relationship, and 40% feel this way specifically about their romantic partner.
Lyubomirsky and Gervais explore the concept of the 'foggy glass' metaphor — the idea that most people have invisible walls around them that prevent others from truly knowing them. She argues that feeling loved requires being known, and that people often fail to feel loved even when love is present because they remain opaque to others. The central, somewhat counterintuitive message of the book is that if you want to feel more loved, you should go first by making someone else feel loved — primarily through genuine curiosity and attentive listening.
The book identifies five mindsets for feeling more loved. The first is the sharing mindset, which involves authentic and vulnerable self-disclosure rather than just showcasing positive qualities. The second is the listening-to-learn mindset, which means listening to understand rather than to respond or fix — encapsulated by the phrase 'tell me more.' The third is radical curiosity, defined as showing genuine interest in another person's thoughts, feelings, and experiences. Lyubomirsky notes that people frequently stop being curious about long-term partners because they assume they already know everything, and argues this is a critical error. The fourth mindset is the open heart mindset, which involves warmth, compassion, believing in others, and the 'Michelangelo effect' — helping others become their ideal selves. The fifth is the multiplicity mindset, which involves seeing people (and oneself) as complex quilts of positive, negative, and neutral traits rather than defining them by single behaviors or flaws.
The conversation expands into related areas, including the role of acts of kindness in fostering connection and even altering gene expression toward stronger immune profiles, based on Lyubomirsky's clinical trial research. She discusses Nick Epley's research showing people underestimate the positive impact of compliments and deep questions, and both host and guest emphasize the power of reaching out to old contacts with simple expressions of gratitude.
Lyubomirsky also addresses her MDMA research, explaining that the substance serves as a scientific window into what the brain looks like when walls come down — people feel more authentic, more curious, and more connected, which informs the therapeutic use of MDMA for trauma. She contrasts this with alcohol, noting MDMA users report feeling more like themselves rather than disinhibited. The conversation briefly touches on non-monogamy, with Lyubomirsky citing a YouGov poll suggesting 40% of millennials have been or want to be non-monogamous, and noting that non-monogamous relationships often involve more explicit communication which can reduce jealousy compared to monogamous ones.
On parenting, Lyubomirsky argues that the same five mindsets apply, adapted for age-appropriateness — showing genuine curiosity about children's interests, listening rather than immediately fixing, sharing selectively, separating behavior from personhood (multiplicity), and offering consistent warmth and belief. The episode closes with Lyubomirsky reflecting on how her research has shaped her own life, particularly in expressing love to friends openly, prioritizing gratitude, and combining physical exercise with nature for happiness.
Key Insights
- Lyubomirsky argues that the key to happiness is not being loved but feeling loved — a subjective experience that is partially under one's own control, distinct from whether love objectively exists in one's life.
- A survey conducted for the book found that 70% of respondents don't feel as loved as they want to be in at least one relationship, and 40% feel this specifically about their romantic partner, suggesting the gap between being loved and feeling loved is widespread.
- Lyubomirsky claims that the counterintuitive first step to feeling more loved is to make someone else feel loved first, leveraging reciprocity as one of the most powerful and evolutionarily adaptive norms of human behavior.
- Lyubomirsky argues that people most commonly misunderstand feeling loved by believing they need to make themselves more lovable — broadcasting positive qualities — when in fact this approach generates admiration but not a felt sense of love or connection.
- She contends that people stop being curious about long-term partners because they assume familiarity equals full knowledge, but every person generates new thoughts, fears, dreams, and experiences daily that remain unknown unless actively explored.
- Lyubomirsky's lab found that participants randomly assigned to perform acts of kindness for others showed changes in gene expression associated with stronger immune profiles — specifically reduced pro-inflammatory and increased antiviral gene expression.
- She cites Nick Epley's research showing people suppress roughly four out of five compliments they think of giving, and systematically underestimate how positively compliments, deep questions, and gratitude expressions are received.
- Lyubomirsky frames the MDMA research as a scientific window into brain states associated with feeling loved — noting users report feeling more authentically themselves, more curious, and less defensive, which she argues maps directly onto the five mindsets she describes.
- She distinguishes MDMA from alcohol by noting that MDMA users report greater authenticity and self-recognition, whereas alcohol produces disinhibition without the same sense of being more oneself — a distinction relevant to therapeutic use.
- The multiplicity mindset, which Lyubomirsky traces to trauma research, holds that people are complex quilts of positive and negative traits and should not be defined by single behaviors — she argues this mindset enables forgiveness and acceptance without condoning harmful actions.
- Lyubomirsky argues that not feeling loved is evolutionarily adaptive — it functions as a healthy signal analogous to ancestral exclusion from the group, motivating repair of social bonds rather than representing a permanent deficit.
- She suggests that the five mindsets she describes are as relevant to bridging political and ideological divides as they are to personal relationships, arguing that showing genuine curiosity toward those with opposing views can create connection even across deep disagreement.
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