“Divorce is like death for a child” - Erica Komisar

Erica Komisar discusses how divorce affects children psychologically, comparing it to experiencing a death in the family. She explains that a nuclear family with two parents provides children with an illusion of safety and permanence that is crucial for healthy emotional development - this stability acts like 'shock absorbers' that help children cope with life's adversities. When divorce occurs, this illusion is shattered before children are developmentally ready, causing them to see their parents as imperfect humans rather than omnipotent protectors. This premature disillusionment leads to distrust in the permanence of relationships, often affecting their ability to trust romantic connections later in life. Komisar explains that children frequently blame themselves for their parents' divorce due to 'magical thinking' - a normal developmental stage where young children believe they are the center of the universe and control events around them. This same thinking that provides security can make them feel responsible when bad things happen. She emphasizes that divorce is a trauma for everyone involved and that both parents and children need support during this process. Parents particularly need therapy to avoid 'leaking' their pain onto their children by oversharing or using them as emotional containers. Children also need safe therapeutic spaces to process their feelings without burdening their parents. Komisar notes that the emotional stages children experience during divorce mirror the Kubler-Ross grief stages - disbelief, sadness, anger, and acceptance. The problem occurs when either children or parents get 'stuck' in one stage of grief rather than moving through the natural mourning process toward acceptance.